Here's me, filling out my resume.
I am running as a Republican for federal office — I haven’t chosen which yet, but bear with me. My soon-to-be constituents need to know my qualifications, of course; and once they see how incredibly qualified I am, they will feel obliged to vote for me. Here goes:
I am a graduate of a prestigious college named after a famous inventor.1
I am a trained agronomist.2
I am an accomplished athlete.3
I am a well-regarded literary critic.4
I am a successful business entrepreneur.5
My family is very important to me.6
I am Catholic.7
I am familiar with guns.8
I am truthful.9
Anything else you would expect me to be, I’m sure I can be.
1. Thomas Edison State College, Trenton, New Jersey.
2. I took a correspondence course in edible plants from Penn State University, and I grow my own organic vegetables to save money.
3. My best time as a ninth-grade runner in the 100 yard dash was 11.2 seconds — no, 11.5.
4. My children think I know a lot about poetry, and I once wrote a paper on TS Eliot — got an A.
5. All of my Ebay customers say so.
6. Except for my estranged brother, and my other siblings who I occasionally see at funerals.
7. Well, until I was 16. Once a Catholic, always a Catholic, right?
8. Shot one once, at a target, as a Tenderfoot. Missed. Not good with bows and arrows, either.
9. ...to the extent necessary to gain office.
